


I am burning

by Jij



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Coming of Age, Existential Crisis, I'm just not sure where to take the plot, Jeongin is Chan's brother, Jeongin is not yet in university, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, but it's being resolved throughout, but there will be content, somewhat freeform?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-09-28 02:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jij/pseuds/Jij
Summary: Chan is in his last year of university and struggles with his feelings.Woojin is in his last year of university and struggles with his parents.Minho is in his second year of university and struggles with Jisung.Jisung is in his first year of university and struggles with fleeting love.Everyone else (but Jeongin) is in university and just struggles.oryour existential crisis infused university AU with some major romance and an author's attempt to keep it fun, w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶l̶e̶v̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶c̶e̶r̶n̶s̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶f̶u̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶e̶l̶f̶-̶e̶x̶p̶r̶e̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶.̶





	1. A fuss all day

**Author's Note:**

> Hello ~~  
I might or might not have abandoned my previous fic for this. No, I am actually trying to finish that too. However, I wanted to write something more liberal with less structure, but more space for different characters and plot lines. So, in the first chapter I just wanted to establish some of the dynamics and introduce the characters, even though I guess you guys know the characters already anyways :D Okay, maybe you still enjoy this chapter, but the following chapters will (hopefully) be more interesting :)

With a disrupting plop Chan threw his bag pack onto the table and let himself fall into one of the chairs in the cafeteria. His friends had arrived a bit earlier in their designated spot of the hall, where the students met up to devour their lunch and share their suffering. Chan had needed to stay behind to talk to his economics professor about an important paper. He really wished that he would just leave him alone, but his professor somehow got the impression that the world of finance holds Chan's biggest aspirations and is set on giving him the best advice to make him a successful graduate student. However, Chan was enrolled in a double major with music production being his second subject and couldn't be less interested in economics. His parents had more or less pressured him into taking economics, so that he “would be able to have a stable career”. Chan agreed to make his parents happy and because he had to admit that it was a reasonable thing to do, considering the job market nowadays. But still, he really couldn’t care less about the subject itself. It just inevitably linked back to the cruel situation that capitali-

“Hey Chan, what are you scowling about? You’re late,” his train of thought was interrupted by Minho, who looked at him with a mix of curiosity and concern.

Chan snapped out of it and let out a heavy sigh, “Yeah, Professor Moon wanted to discuss my paper again. He told me I would pass, but it apparently has more potential. It seems like he can’t wrap his head around the fact, that not everyone is obsessed with economics. At least he is passionate about his topic, I guess, but I just cannot, okay?” He ruffled his hair in frustration and defeated he continues,” Yeah, so that cost me half of my lunch break. What did I miss?”

“Just some whining from Jisung about his unrequited love,” Seungmin piped up. 

Chan raised an eyebrow and scanned his group of friends. Not only to see their reactions, but he has been so deep in thought that he didn’t even acknowledge them properly. Seungmin sat across from him, looking carefree and rather amused by his pining friend’s misery. On his right sat Hyunjin, looking equally unbothered. Both of them were in their first year of university, but since it was already the end of the second semester, they were already comfortable in the new environment.   
On his left and directly across from Chan was Woojin, more focused on his food then anything else. He, just like Chan, was in his last year of university and had the typical air of exhaustion around him that both of them were experiencing. However, he always seemed a lot more put together and in control than Chan, which was honestly the one thing that kept him sane. Woojins presence made him feel a lot better, when he was once again feeling anxious about graduation.   
Next to him were the two second years, Minho and Changbin. Minho had a sour look on his face and Chan knew exactly why. The younger was very fond of Jisung and hence also very annoyed by the others crush on another boy, who was in his eyes just utterly undeserving of any kind of attention. At the same time, he was concerned about Jisung's feelings, because he knew that the other was not interested. That guy had the nerve to hit on Minho at a party once. Luckily, Jisung wasn’t there to witness it and Minho would rather die than tell Jisung the news and simultaneously break his heart. Changbin next to him looked just very bored and apparently found it more interesting to watch Felix playing games on his smartphone. Said boy was very focused on some kind of fantasy shooting game, a real gamer. Well, he did study game design after all, which always served as an excuse for him playing games rather than studying.   
And at last Chan's gaze wandered to Jisung, who buried his face in his arms on the table and was whining about his unreciprocated “love”. Honestly, Chan can count the days until Jisung will more or less get over the whole ordeal and probably cry in Minho's arms for two hours before being completely unbothered by that guy and swooning over another. He admired him for his emotional capacity, it just seemed absolutely exhausting to him having crush after crush without a break. Then again, he was a bit jealous, Chan would be glad, if he could just focus on some crush as a source of happiness without the responsibilities of a soon-to-be adult lurking around the corner. But well, he was never the type for fleeting love anyways.

  
All of his friends were in the arts department, that’s how somehow their paths crossed. It was a mess, but they found each other at last. He and Changbin were both studying music production, but Changbin had chosen engineering as a second subject. He shared his economics class with Woojin though. His saving grace, really. He hated his classes, but Woojin, who was forced by his parents to make economics his main subject, shared his cruel fate. His family founded a trade company that was run only by them, so naturally they expected W to take over the CEO position later on. Even though that would for sure provide him a good income, he wanted to become a musician. His parents were not supportive of that idea at all. However, he was able to convince them that music as a minor would benefit them in some way? He remembers that Woojin had some very far-fetched but also very convincing arguments, that Chan had thought to be impressing, but also so clever that he had trouble recounting them in that moment. Anyways, Woojin managed to pursue his dream in some way. His other friends chose their arts major without a second “safe” subject, which he found incredibly brave and which he also was a bit jealous of. He envied their freedom, but knew that they all had some episodes of anxiety and doubt. Still, he was happy for them, because he knew they wouldn’t change their subject for the world. Seungmin was majoring in music with a focus on singing, while Minho and Hyunjin were studying dance. Jisung decided to study performing arts and well, Felix was a game design major.

  
“Good, then I missed nothing important,” Chan joked with a grin directed at Jisung. He heard another whine from Jisung, but directed his gaze to Woojin,” Can you help me with studying for the public finance exam this weekend? If you want to, I will also proofread your essay for international economics,” he asked in a slightly desperate tone.

Woojin chuckled softly,” You make it sound like some kind of trade deal. What has economics done to you?” he laughed,” but yeah, no problem, let’s study together this weekend.”

Somehow flustered, Chan thanked him and they both focused on their food again. University was especially exhausting these days with their graduation approaching.

  
“Man, I’m so glad that I am a first year,” Hyunjin exclaimed,” When I look at you, I am happy that the most important thought on my mind is what’s for dinner today and not the risk of unemployment.” 

“Hyunjin!,” Seungmin scolds,” don’t be so blunt about that. Look at their fragile state” And with an impish grin he adds,” and don’t forget that this,” he gestured at J,” small first year is also deeply troubled because of his feelings.” 

At that Jisung protests, something about being not taken seriously, but Minho is quick to cut off the bickering by intervening decidedly,” you shouldn’t make fun of it so carelessly, Hyunjin. You are an arts major, in a few years, I can guarantee, you will be just as stressed. Also, Seungmin, don’t make fun of anyone’s feelings like that.” 

“Geez, Minho, what has gotten into you? We were just joking around,” Seungmin frowns just slightly offended.

“Guys, it’s fine. We are all just a bit stressed out, okay? Let’s just eat for now. By the way, how are your end-of-the-year projects going?” Successfully, Woojin had eased the tension at the table and warmly smiled at his friends, who were now at the topic of the nearing presentations visibly engaged.

Chan was once more in awe of his friend. Hyunjin’s comment had stirred some anxiety in his core, that he was unsuccessfully trying to shake off and only dissipated when he heard Woojin's deep voice. He had known him for so long, Woojin seemed to be one of the constants in his life. That alone seemed to help him cope with all the uncertainty that awaits him in the future. Additionally, Woojin thought about everything in a very logical manner without loosing his warmth. Considering how he was raised by his parents, his warm and caring nature amazed him even more. He was truly grateful to be friends with him.

  
“Same thing as last year. I’ll just rap to what I have produced for the last assignment,” Changib shrugs. Felix next to him had paused his mobile game and looked at his senior, seemingly admiring the confidence in his statement.

“And it will, same thing as last year, be cool and well organized, and you will get a good grade with the least effort. So annoying,” Minho huffed mockingly, “ Jisung and I will work on a performance together, we thought of some kind of theatric dance performance.”

  
Jisung, visibly excited, added,”It’s going to be amazing, hyung. I have a lot of ideas already, let’s start this weekend. I already booked a practice room.” 

“What? You didn’t even ask if I’m free this weekend,” Minho protested,” but it’s fine, I guess. I really got nothing else this weekend and the project is the last major assignment this year anyway.”

  
“I’m looking forward to that already,” Chan laughed at his friends’ cute antics,” I’m working on a song with rapping too, but it doesn’t feel complete yet. I want to try something new, but it’s so”-

He got interrupted by a loud clatter and the sound of a plate breaking. A few tables away from them, students were making a scene. A girl had thrown the meal tray of her boyfriend to the ground as they were about to leave. Apparently, they were in the middle of an argument, because the girl was crying angry tears, while the boy was visibly mortified by her expression of rage. They were screaming at each other, something about another girl, betrayal and how he would be throwing everything they had away (which was obviously paralleled by the tray, Chan noted). It was not a pretty thing to witness, Chan knew them from one of his classes. They had been dating for a while and he previously admired their relationship for their stability. If he remembers correctly, he once heard rumors about them getting engaged. The students around them were all watching intently, some with an expression that seemed to be way too pleased with the drama. Chan was appalled by these people; how could another person’s heartbreak bring even just an inkling of joy to them? The lack of empathy frightened him a bit. In moments like this he was even more grateful for his supportive friends. Even if some of their jokes were a bit harsh, they just knew they had each other’s backs unconditionally. He knew they were sincere and wouldn't take pleasure in anothers person's misery like that.  
He wasn’t the only one that had noticed the others student’s entertainment at seeing the drama. One of the students was even filming the whole thing with their cell phone now. His friends all looked equally disturbed by the display of apathy. 

“What? Are we back in high school again?” Hyunjin spat. 

“They really need to watch better shows on Netflix, if they find this entertaining or even remotely interesting,” Minho comments in agreement. 

The group of friends quickly focused back on their food, but did not resume their conversation on the presentations. They were all at least slightly disturbed by what they had just witnessed.

Chan's thoughts kept going back to that scene even later on in class. He didn’t want to think about it. He thought that even if they had their argument in public, he felt like he shouldn’t have witnessed it. He felt like an intruder. Chan wasn’t interested or concerned for their relationship though. If they didn’t love each other enough for a functioning relationship anymore then that couldn’t be helped. The thing that bothered him is that the couple used to be sure about themselves. They were planning on graduating easily this year, finding a job in the same city and moving in together while making plans for their wedding. Instead it was now likely that they would be doing none of that. Just like that. Everything they built for themselves was shattered into pieces over one little thing, that might as well have been a misunderstanding. Although, on a second thought, Chan scolded himself for overdramatizing. He had a knack for projecting his fears on others and exaggerating them. He was aware of that, but he also couldn’t help himself. Anxious thoughts like this just came too easy these days.  
Out of the blue, Chan jumped in his seat, feeling a sudden touch on his arm. Startled out of his thoughts, he looked to the side, to discover Woojin looking at him with a knowing smile. When they were sitting in their shared classes it was not seldom that Chan got lost in his thoughts or started daydreaming. Woojin would usually notice and make him focus again. Not only because Chan didn’t necessarily like his episodes of rumination, but also because he should actually pay attention. So, he mumbled a small thanks to his seat neighbor and tried to focus on the lecture.


	2. Sad adults only walk backwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahoy! Sooo, this is basically still an introductory chapter. I mean there is no real development regarding the plot, but we get a lot of insight into two of the characters thoughts and circumstances. I'm wondering, if the chapter lenght is too short?? Is it annoying? Kudos and comments are much appreciated. Let me know about some things that I could improve :) Also, the next chapter will be more fun! Maybe that is a bad thing to say before the "less fun" chapter, but I just want you to know that not every chapter is this gloomy :D I hope you enjoy!

After his last class had ended, Chan found himself sitting on the bus back home. It took about 10 minutes until he would arrive in the district, he lived in. Chan didn’t mind, he liked looking out of the window while listening to the music that his headphones provided. He listened to a lot of different genres, but somehow, he found that there were particular songs fitting for a bus ride. The kind of mellow, melancholic and thought aspiring songs. Songs he knew from movies, the instrumentals of his favorite anime series or just whatever song he had found on the internet, Chan compiled them all in his playlist that he had put together for bus rides. He had another one for car rides and also for everything else basically. His passion was music after all. Currently, he was listening to some calm Epik High song while looking at the images flying past him. The buildings, trees, street lamps and schemes of people left temporary impressions in his mind. It were moments like these that he needed to think about the world from a very specific perspective. The perspective of a lonely onlooker, separate from humanity and only there to witness life without context. He saw people walking down the street, in and out of shops, maybe going to work, maybe visiting a friend or maybe just taking a walk. He didn’t know and he couldn’t know. There were all strangers and he, being in a vehicle fenced off by the thick glass window, had no way of communicating with them or even just hearing what that old lady was shouting at another passenger just now, to know what was really happening. They were all people with their own lives and their own perception, feelings. People that knew other people, who he didn’t know either. They interacted, but Chan wouldn’t witness it. A lot of things were happening, which he wasn’t aware of. So much was happening that he could never know of and that he wasn’t supposed to. These were the most alienating thoughts one could have. Thankfully they were, for Chan, mostly exclusive to bus rides and the bus had just arrived at his desired location.

As he unlocked the door to his family’s apartment, he shouted a quick “I’m back” to his brother Jeongin, who was sitting in the living room playing video games, before Chan went upstairs and into their shared bedroom. Their apartment was rather small, because the rent in the city they lived in was comparatively high and increased by the year. His mother was the one who was paying their living costs pretty much alone. His father had left them a few years ago and only paid them a small sum of money after their divorce. He also paid his tuition fees. That was a pretty big deal and Chan was thankful for that. In general, their relationship wasn’t that bad compared to other families that had to deal with a divorce, but Chan still decided to stay with his mother. His father called sometimes, asking him how his studies went and if everything was alright. They had nothing to talk about though. His father was working all day in some office and his hobbies could be summarized by watching TV and reading newspapers or something. Things that Chan wasn’t really interested in.

He took out his books from his backpack and set them up on his desk to get started on his assignments. He heard some talking from downstairs and figured that his mom must have come home from work. She worked a 9 to 5 in an accounting firm. He focused back on his homework, he would talk to her over dinner later. Like nearly every evening. So, he didn’t make a move to go and greet her. They had their routines. They left all together in the morning to work or school and came back for dinner at the latest. To be honest, their family life wasn’t particularly “warm” or demanding, but they cared for each other and since Chan was technically old enough to live alone, he was grateful for the freedom and sense of autonomy that that brought. He had considered to move into the dorms of his university, but that would have been more expensive than staying in their shared apartment, which was conveniently not that far from university.

About an hour later Chan, Jeongin and their mother were sitting at the dinner table eating a dish consisting of rice, vegetables and a bit of meat. They were having a conversation. Chan barely registered the words, enough just so as to answer with some standard statements and inquiries. It’s what’s expected, everything else would have disrupted their dinner’s story line. Like it was scripted, they went through all the points on their agenda. How was school? How are your grades? Is it difficult? Do you still get along with that friend who was over once? It was what people with different lives would talk about. Seemingly meaningless, yet a sign of acknowledgement. It was just what they were comfortable with, even though these days Chan was increasingly often not comfortable anymore. He became restless and annoyed by the insignificance of what they were talking about. Sure, family members should know what was happening in their lives, but it just seemed all superficial to him. At the same time, he didn’t want it to get any deeper. He wouldn’t want to discuss his deepest concerns or world politics with his mother. She would only worry more about her son and he doubted that he would get any helpful input or a good response. His brother would probably shake his head and would dismiss him with an unaffected expression. So, there was nothing to say or do other than sitting, nodding and trying to not let his annoyance show. Then again, even if they were talking just about their every day lives, nothing interesting seemed to ever happen. On one hand, he should probably be grateful that he didn’t need to hear about tragedies or any drama, but on the other hand it was painstakingly monotonous. His brother just went to school and had been playing basketball pretty much since he can think of Jeongin having any kind of hobby. It was all there was in his life. His mother just went to work, did some house hold chores and sat down in front of the TV until falling asleep on the couch. (Probably just like his father, he noted) He was thankful for that though. He knew that without all that, he wouldn’t be able to live his life like he did. However, he also wished for her to do something. Just something, to show interest in something. It seems like she solely lives to earn money and keep them alive. That thought was probably dead on and he should be absolutely grateful for that. Still, it irked him. Her job didn’t pay that well, so she worked six days a week and sometimes took some work home for the Sundays. If she wouldn’t have her children, Chan thinks, someone would probably come to the conclusion that she was depressed. Even though, that would probably be inaccurate considering that his mother was way too productive. If it was him though, he would get depressed or at least he would just not be okay. That was the point, subconsciously he did register that that could be him. It could be his fate to work a dull job for many hours a week that would suck the life out of him, so that he wouldn’t be able to muster up any kind of motivation to look into new experiences or interests. To him it seemed like most adults fall into that trap sooner or later. It was pretty sad, in his opinion. A life he wouldn’t want to lead. Sad adults only walk backwards. He wanted to run forwards. Towards something. Something important.

* * *

When Woojin entered his house, his parents weren’t home. Instead, he was greeted by their house keeper.

“Good evening! What do you wish for dinner?” the lady, who is already in her 50s asked.

Woojin sighs and answers,” Good evening. I’m not hungry, so I will just take some fruits upstairs with me.” He smiles at her apologetically and with a hint of discomfort.

When his parents had hired a housekeeper two years ago, he was against it. Sure, they had a very big house and his parents were usually in the office or on business trips, but they were doing just fine. They just made Sundays their designated cleaning day and Woojin, being home more often than his parents, didn’t mind cooking for them or doing the laundry. Woojin also thought of Sundays as family days, because they took the time to take care of their house together and always had at least one meal together. So, when the housekeeper took over the chores, they were responsible for, they got to see each other even less frequently. It seemed like his parents forgot about one chore that the housekeeper couldn’t take over; caring for their son. Now, he was aware that his thoughts on that matter were often times a bit drastic, but Woojin craved attention and affection all throughout his late childhood. He was a person that sought warmth and care the most. These days he seriously contemplated to move out. Would it even make a difference for their family if he would move out and into his own apartment? When he had started university he chose not to move out in hope that it would aid their relationship, but that hope seemed to be in vain.

He reached his bedroom. That definitely took too long. Their house wasn’t just big, it was too big and he despised it. What his parents described as luxurious and chic, he thought to be cold and empty. Without personality or identity. That is, if you did’t think that being rich is a personality. He didn’t even think that being rich is in any way contributing to one’s personality. He met a lot of other rich people on dinner parties that he was invited to at one point. He disliked all of them. He couldn’t stand talking to them for even a minute, if he hadn’t taken at least two glasses of champagne from the waiters in the entrance hall before. When he had, he made a game of how much passive aggressive comments he could make until the person he was talking to noticed that he was indeed ridiculing them;

“Just last week, I held a speech about my business at a center for the problematic youth to help them get on the right track.”

“That is astounding! I’m sure knowing how to take over a family business will help them with making money. They will just need to find another family.”

or

“You know, sustainability is a very important subject for me nowadays. I even quit playing golf in Thailand, because a good friend of mine told me they destroyed important ecosystems for the big area and use an extensive amount of water to keep the grass green.”

“Amazing. You’re saving so much water! I’m sure it is also beneficial for your business. Instead of playing golf, you can now focus on expanding your almond production in California.”

The game was won whenever the other actually expressed their anger caused by his indirect insults. Most often however, they would just look at him angrily, open and close their mouths like a fish on land while trying to come up with an appropriate retort and then storm off. That was the most they could do considering their business probably depended on that of his parents and they knew better than to antagonize their business partners over a difficult, young heir.

He didn’t really know how his parents felt about all of this. They were happy with his son as long as he seemed to do well in school and fit in with most people. He just needed to take over their company whenever they wanted to retire. That probably also meant that he should work there as soon as he was done with university. Just one requirement. Just taking over a whole company. To Woojin that was not just one thing, but something that would take over his whole life. There was little he could do to create something himself. However, he was set on trying. He will follow his passion for singing regardless of what it would take. Usually he was convinced that he would be able to make both, himself and his parents happy with his life choices. Usually. Tonight, it seemed like it would be one of these nights when he would question everything. His whole “game plan”. How could he manage the company to essentially not manage the company? Surely, he could just hire a bunch of people to do his job, while keeping his official position? That was what he had thought of so far. Like that he could still make music. At least that was what he imagined. He just really did not want to spend every day at a company office trying to manage a shit ton of paper work that would somehow generate money by somehow selling technology. He honestly did not quite know what his position would entail. He just knew that he didn’t want to end up like his parents. Were they even happy? Were they sad? It seemed to him like they just were. Just existing for the sake of existing. Or actually for working. For handling money. He was confused. What’s the point? What’s the point if what you’re doing makes no one truly happy?

With these kind of thoughts Woojin was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. The light dissipated and the night painted his white walls an eerie blue. These nights, he was deep in thought. And Sleepless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to make sure that you know that the almond production in california requires an unreasonable amount of water and that it is one contributing factor to water shortages in the affected area. I just want you to get that comment :D btw, I am not from america, but I learned about (un)stustainable agriculture in school.   
Also, in case you don't know Epik High, you should give them a try. I'm sure they have a song for everybody. Like they are a hip hop crew/group, but they have been collaborating with a lot of different artists making their music quite diverse, I recommend "Home is far away" and "Amor Fati". Actually, their last three albums are kinda perfect, so...


	3. If the mood is good, I'm okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Wow, at last there is a sliver of plot progression in this one :0 Fluffy Minsung ahead! Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment anything, extra points for kindness and constructive criticism :D  
Btw, Ateez members appear later on, please note that I love and support them, even if they might get negative characteristics for the sake of the story!

The next day, a Friday, their friend group met as usual in their designated spot in the cafeteria. Today’s topic was a house party they’ve been looking forward to, since the beginning of the week.

“I can’t believe San invited the whole arts department. I hope he's got a very generous insurance for his house,” Chan exclaimed.

Seungmin looked at him in disbelief,“Are you kidding me? He would be fine even without an insurance. His parents have even more money than Woojin's.”

Changbin scoffed and muttered something that sounded like a “spoiled” under his breath.

“Ooh! If its San’s party, do you think Seonghwa will be there? He has to be,” Jisung suddenly got excited at this thought. The boy he was talking about, Seongwha, was his recent crush and the one who always drew his attention these days.

“Well, even though he’s not in the arts department, they are friends so…,” Woojin reasoned.

“Oh my god, don’t you dare ruin the party for us by drooling over your crush the whole night,” Hyunjin groaned, thinking of Jisung's monologues about Seonghwa's “perfect, silky, raven” hair he would have to witness.

Minho just coughed, scowling at his food. This was getting exhausting for him. Remembering his last encounter with his “rival”, Minho was already getting stressed just thinking how it would end with Jisung present in a similar scenario. Minho had rejected Seonghwa’s advances last time, but he wasn’t sure if the other was giving up that easily. Minho hoped that he forgot about him already, which was likely given how drunk he had been. Seonghwa had made quite a secene at the last party, until Minho had harshly rejected him. Minho also hoped that he could make it clear to him that Jisung wasn’t an option either. He would try his best to distract Jisung from the other’s presence and would just hope for the best. Luckily, a drunk Jisung was easy to handle. He felt a bit bad that he had the urge to control him like that, but he was just a desperate, pining boy deeply in love. Maybe, he should start praying. To every god out there.

“I’m not that bad,” Jisung whined.

Seungmin raised his eyebrow at that.

“I swear!... but what if he notices me? Oh, what should I do? What should I wear??” Jisung's eyes widened comically at the scene his mind had apparently provided.

“Here we go again,” Hyunjin rolled his eyes.

“Sungie, calm down, I will come to your place after working on our project anyways and I help you to pick an outfit then,” Minho reassured him, gently patting his shoulder.

Woojin shot him a skeptic look. Next to him Chan had an expression of disapproval on his face. They had talked about this. One day they had set him down and talked about how they were thinking that he would slowly exert himself over his pining. They were worried about their friend’s mental health. Eventually his unrequited love would take a toll on him. Minho never made a move to actually confess to Jisung. He just kept caring and giving his all for the boy, who he was so fond of. Even when Jisung lamented to him about his numerous love interests, that sadly weren’t him, he listened to everything and sometimes even gave him advice. After Jisung had eventually been rejected, Minho was always there with a fuzzy blanket and some cookies to help him mend his heartbreak. Jisung's obliviousness didn’t let him recognize that it wasn’t only his heart that was breaking. Minho was hurting with him, for him and because of him. He loved him so dearly that he must’ve turned into a masochist. Minho was okay with that. He could sacrifice himself like that, if it meant that he was able to stay close to Jisung. If Jisung was happy, Minho was happy too.

“Actually, I think we should all meet up at your place before the party, Jisung. Your flat is the closest to the party and we all fit in your living room,” Woojin suggested.

“Yeah, we can have some pre-drinks! And get lit!” Felix added excitedly.

“Oh please, don’t ever use that word again. At least not when I can hear it, it gives me physical pain,” Minho complained.

Felix was pouting at him.

“Don’t be so cranky, old man. Yes, we’re gonna get lit,” Seungmin interjected, trying to console the younger while glaring at Minho.

“This is already exhausting,” murmured Chan.

“So, at 9pm at my place? And then we’ll leave at midnight for the house party? I wanna make sure that I do not meet even one sober person there.”

“Hm, sounds reasonable. Chan and I are going to be in the library the whole day, but by 9pm we probably won’t be able to get anything done anyways,” Woojin contemplated.

Changbin sighed,” I’ll join you guys later. I don’t think I will be finished with my engineering assignment by then.”

Felix was pouting once again and whined,” But it’s the weekend. Why do you need to finish that on a Saturday?”

“I don’t want to ruin my grades, because I had to finish it while being hungover.”

“You’re just weak. I do that all the time and I’m obviously doing amazing,” Felix bragged, raising his nose in playful arrogance.

“No Lixie, your standards are just low. God, I wish I still had first year assignments.” Changbin wasn’t in the mood to joke.

“Hey, they are not that much easier,” he said, but let the topic slide, trying to comfort the older with a hug.

“Okay guys, gotta go. See you tomorrow.” Hyunjin stood up and packed his back.

“Be there!” Jisung exclaimed with an expecting grin.

Hyunjin knew and grinned back at him,” Or be square!”

“Oh my god, I really want to leave,” Minho shook his head in exaggerated despair.

“Noo, we need to talk about our project first!” Jisung pleaded while grabbing the sleeve of Minho's sweater tightly.

On Saturday morning Chan and Woojin met up at the library. Chan was already waiting for his friend, but that was to be expected considering that he was always at least 5 minutes early to any of their plans. He just liked to know that he wouldn’t make anyone wait for him. It was a nice summer morning, early enough that he didn’t feel plagued by the heat but was still comfortable in a T-Shirt. Living in the city, he found the air to be weighing down on him with pollution and the smell of heated concrete most of the time, it was significantly more bearable in the morning though. Especially in the area on campus around the library, he didn’t mind the city life, since their university had put a noticeable effort in the aesthetic. They had planted multiple trees along the pathway connecting the library with the lecture halls and around the buildings were a lot of green areas, where flowers grew, and students were able to sit on the neat lawn. When humidity was high, and Chan went to the library at dawn he was able to experience the serene atmosphere of the world awakening and the dew still on every blade of grass. He quite liked his university. It was pretty and well organized. However, he appreciated the people the most and one of them currently came walking down the path, towards him. Woojin was dressed in a dark emerald sweater and his dark brown hair reflected the early sunlight slightly, making him appear to be ethereal to the still half-asleep Chan. 

Woojin's greeting startled him out of his daze. They exchanged a few soft words, before they decided to sit down in the café of the library. Since they both hadn’t had breakfast yet, they chose a spot where they were allowed to eat. The library café was probably their favorite place on campus. It was the part of the library that had big shelves of old classics and works of fiction. They put cozy seats and dark wooden tables for the visitors. In the maze of shelves, you could find a little barista station where they sell all sorts of coffee and tea, which you could then enjoy at your table over a new work of fiction. In Chan's and Woojin's case, however, they both got a cup of coffee and took out their laptops to get some work. First, they would eat their breakfast from home though.

“Do you want a blueberry muffin?” Woojin asked and continued at Chan's questioned gaze, “Our housekeeper made them yesterday and I saved a few for today.” He smiled at Chan.

“Yes, I’d love to eat one. Thanks,” Chan returned his smile.

After munching on their muffins in peace and quiet, Woojin broke the silence.

“Okay so what about we go through our materials on public and finance first and afterwards we can talk about the things that we don’t understand?”

“Sounds good to me.” Chan nodded

So, they focused on their study material. Chan really needed to work hard to pass this class. Usually, studying and remembering all the facts came easy to him, but not in this class. Nevertheless, he felt his thoughts drifting along with his gaze. Woojin was completely focused on his laptop; its blue light illuminated his features in a strange way. The lines of his face seemed to be sharp and through the blue tint otherworldly. The word ethereal came to his mind once again. He kind of reminded him of a fae, a nature spirit. A friendly spirit that he got the honor to befriend. Chan felt warmth in his chest. It was a warm feeling that he couldn’t quite place just yet. It was a bit confusing to him. He just felt so incredibly fond while looking at Woojin; it was overwhelming.

He must have started at his best friend for a bit too long, because Woojin raised his head and met his gaze with something close to surprise.

“So, what do you have trouble understanding?”

Chan just realized, there is a lot he didn’t understand. For starters, that warm feeling in his chest that wasn’t leaving him and why it traveled to his cheeks. Additionally, he often didn’t understand other people or the world around him and of course not one bit of his study material. That wasn’t important though, because Woojin started to giggle and that was something, he didn’t understand either, yet desperately wanted to. Why were the small sounds so enamoring? Why was he thinking thoughts like these out of a sudden? He was sure that he had heard Woojin giggle before, and also Woojin focusing on his laptop, and Woojin in the first light after dawn. Why was he affected by these only now?

“Is the material really that difficult?”

“You have no idea,” Chan groaned and buried his face in his arms resting on the table.

Minho let himself plop down next to Jisung on the floor of their practice room, leaning on the wall. Drenched in sweat and breathing heavily, he just closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath. Jisung, equally exhausted, handed him a water bottle.

“I think we gathered some really good moves for the choreography today. It’s okay, that the story isn’t quite there yet. Let’s just work on it some more next week and rest for now,” Jisung sighed.

Minho just groaned an affirmative in response and took a sip of water. Next to him, Jisung slowly let himself slide down the wall that they were leaning on. All the way down until he was nearly on the ground, then he shifted sideways and situated himself so that his head was resting on Minho’s thigh. Jisung closed his eyes and let out a content sigh. They were comfortable with each other. One could think that Minho's romantic feelings for his friend would make close contact like this awkward, but they were used to it. Jisung was a naturally touchy person and Minho just loved the other in every way possible. However, these days, seeing Jisung comfortably using him as a pillow and looking just so soft, tugged at his heartstrings. He felt his little breaths through his sweatpants and his pulse where Jisung's neck touched the side of his leg. Minho became aware of all the details of their current situation. He noticed how Jisung's eyelids would twitch once in a while as he tried to regain his strength. How beads of sweat would slowly trickle down the side of his temple. How his hair had partially darkened because of it. Minho still couldn’t help himself and started carding his fingers through the other’s hair. As a consequence, Jisung started to hum. Minho felt his heart grow heavy as it reminded him of his beloved cats purring when he was patting them. In this moment, he wanted nothing more than just lean down and place a soft kiss on his forehead. He probably could. Minho doubted that Jisung would actually mind it all that much. But, in reality he knew that he couldn't do such thing. If he were to do anything like this, the other would interpret it as platonic. It would break Minho's heart and at the same time he would lie to himself; pretending like he didn’t mean it, like it didn’t mean anything to him. Additionally, if he were to kiss him in any way, he would probably want to do it again and again. He would become greedy and eventually territorial towards Jisung's crushes. But how could he do that? He couldn’t claim him like that, if Jisung wasn’t attached to him in the same way. So, he once again locked his feelings in their designated safe space in his heart and swallowed down the jealousy of whoever Jisung wanted to call his instead. Minho patted his head for a while longer before gently shaking his shoulder, so that they could leave the practice room in time.

They left the dance studio and went to Jisung's apartment right away. They had decided to shower at his place in order to get ready for the party together right after. After all, Minho had promised to help with Jisung's outfit. Minho went first, so that Jisung could take his time. He made quick work of showering efficiently, except for when he was shampooing his hair. He didn’t bring his own toiletries, so he got to use Jisung's. His shampoo always had a very distinct, sweet smell; it said strawberries and orange blossom on the bottle. As he poured some of the liquid on his hands and massaged it into his scalp, he suddenly felt overwhelmed by the scent that was just so Jisung. He halted his movements for a while, processing the feelings and thoughts the smell triggered in him. He wanted to keep the fruity and warm fragrance on him forever. It drove him crazy. He knew there were possibilities, but they seemed to be far out of his reach. After a while his nose got used to the smell and he resumed to washing himself.

Minho sat cross legged on Jisung's bed, toweling his hair dry. He had changed into an all-black outfit consisting of a basic t-shirt tucked into his jeans. He didn’t feel like dressing up. The smell of his hair still distracted him from time to time; whenever he ruffled his hair a bit too much or he moved too fast and caught a whiff of the shampoo. He looked around the room with nothing to do as he was waiting. It was a bit messy, but what could you expect from a boy in university who takes art courses and frequently uses “creative mess” as an expression. On his walls were some art prints, a poster of Childish Gambino, and a few photos of him and his friends – one with Minho.

“Okay, what do you think? What should I wear?” Jisung stepped out of the bathroom, only in boxers and a towel around his shoulders.

“Well, pants would be appropriate,” Minho deadpanned.

“Ha ha, obviously!” Jisung rolled his eyes and threw his towel in Minho's face. Upon seeing his surprised face, he cracked a teasing smile.

“But yeah, I guess, black jeans are an essential for me anyways,” he said and grabbed a pair that already hung over his chair. The laundry chair that everyone seemed to have.

Minho, at this point in his life, really deserved an award. An award for staying strong and composed even in situations like this. Not everyone was capable of keeping their poker-face when they had their crush standing in front of them, half naked and fresh out of the shower. Then again, the two knew each other for so long already that it was hardly special.

“You know, I think it won’t matter that much what you were. Maybe, just grab a white T-shirt that shows a bit of your collarbones and then make a difference with your hair style,” Minho proposed.

“That’s a great idea! Do you remember? I once bought this temporary blue hair dye. Let’s dye my hair!” Jisung exclaimed gleefully.

“Uhm, I was thinking of using some hair gel, but sure. Let’s dye your hair,” Minho answered a bit baffled.

And so, after a few minutes the two of them were all set up in the bathroom ready to start this art project. Minho was sitting on a stool with Jisung sitting on the ground in front of him.

“Hm, are you sure this will show up on your brown hair. Don’t we need to bleach it first?” Minho wondered out loud.

“Noo, it will be fine, if we’ll leave it in a bit longer. It will just fade more quickly, and bleaching is for another day,” Jisung laughed unconcerned about what was about to happen on his head.

“Alright.” Minho started massaging the blue paste onto Jisung's head, starting at the roots and then spreading it further.

Jisung was always so free and confident in his decisions. Minho found it admirable, one of the many things he loved the other for.

As he worked the product through Jisung's hair, the soon to be blue-haired boy closed is eyes and let out a breath of relaxation.

“You are very gentle. I’m sure it will turn out great with that degree of professionalism,” Jisung joked.

Minho just huffed in response and playfully tugged at a strand of hair, which lead to Jisung shrieking in protest.

After 20 minutes, Jisung rinsed out his hair and decided to let it air dry. Meanwhile, he decided to put a bit of make up on. Nothing too complicated, just some concealer and thin eyeliner, which got smudged as he added a bit of light brown eyeshadow. He kept it simple, but as Jisung stepped into his living room, dark blue hair still wet and messy plus the accentuated eyes, it still managed to make Minho's heart skip a beat.

Even though Minho was openly staring at him, the lack of reaction made Jisung a bit unsure of his new hair color,” Do you not like it?”

“Oh! No, it looks amazing, really! I … just need to get used to it,” Minho laughed sheepishly.

Jisung sat down on the couch next to a mildly dazed Minho. They got comfortable and decided to watch some TV until their other friends would arrive for pre-drinks.

Two hours later, the doorbell rang. Minho went to open it. In front of the door he found Hyunjin, Felix and Seungmin.

“Oh, hyung. Do you live here now?” Seungmin teased.

With an evil smirk Hyunjin added,” Shouldn’t you at least write your name next to Jisung's on the resident placard, if you even open the door to possible strangers for him?”

That sounded wildly domestic and sadly also very unrealistic. Ever since his friends knew about Minho’s unrequited love, they had been teasing him about it. Maybe that wasn’t very sensible of them, but he could deal with it. It helped easing the tension most of the time and as long as Jisung wouldn’t notice, which he was sure would never happen anyways, he was fine with it. 

“Shut up. Jisung is in the bathroom,” Minho retorted with, rolling his eyes.

“Good evening to you too,” Felix exclaimed with well-played excitement, visibly fed up with the other’s teasing.

The three newcomers had brought a few bottles of alcohol. Mostly rum and vodka, which they would mix with some soda, and a few bears. Jisung still had some snacks from their recent movie nights and they quickly set up everything in their living room. Soon, Chan and Woojin joined as well. They decided to put someone’s party playlist on speaker and played some kind of “truth-or-drink-game” to get started. A few rounds in, the doorbell rang again.

“That must be Changbin, I’m gonna get the door,” Felix shouted excitedly over the music.

Leaving the living room behind him, he got into the slightly less noisy hallway and opened the door.

“Hyung! Are you ready to party?” Felix hollered at Changbin, who was indeed standing in front of the door. It was obvious that he had put a bit of effort into his appearance; he wore his favorite leather jacket over a rosé t-shirt, which was tight enough to accentuate his biceps, if he were to take off his jacket. He’d worn that outfit before and had proudly explained to his friends, that the contrast between the black leather and the pink cotton would emphasize his own charm. Well, today this effort was easily canceled out by the dark circles under his eyes. Changbin had been working on his assignment the whole day and was visibly exhausted. Felix noticed what bothered his friend and was determined to put in an extra effort to make him relax and comfortable tonight.

“Lix! You are tipsy already, hu?”

“What? Noo! You look like you had a rough day, don’t worry I’ll mix you a drink right away.” Felix slung an arm around Changbin's shoulders and guided him to the living room, where the others greeted him enthusiastically.

Changbin was grateful for the others extensive energy. Even Chan and Woojin, who he knew had probably worked the same number of hours on their studies, were full of life again. After all, everyone seemed to be okay, when the mood was good. And the mood was definitely good, the drinking game they were playing had evolved and they were now playing an ambitious game of ‘kings’. It must have been a pitiful sight to see; They all failed miserably at every card drawn, only the “nine is rhyme”-cards were successfully completed by most of them. To Minho’s dismay, Jisung drew an 8 and following the rules he chose a drinking buddy for the game. Now, he didn’t choose Minho as drinking buddy, but Felix. That itself wasn’t a problem. The problem was that Felix had the worst luck at drinking games and would surely get Jisung drunk more than Minho had wished for his beloved. If he wasn’t invested in keeping Jisung conscious before, he sure was now. So, whenever he could, he tried to spare Jisung from drinking, so that he wouldn’t be completely wasted before the party even started. Minho never told him to drink and when he was able to take the shot instead of Jisung by messing up the simple tasks, he did so. It wasn’t easy, but at least he had the highest alcohol tolerance out of all of them. In the end, he was more drunk than he had anticipated, but he had some hope that that would settle throughout the night, if he stopped drinking now.

It was just a few minutes shy of midnight, when they decided to head out. Everyone was now, searching for their jackets, checking their hair last minute or using the bathroom. Since they were all at least tipsy, getting ready was a process that ended up being rowdier than most would expect.

In all that bustle, Minho found himself momentarily next to Hyunjin. Hyunjin, after glancing at Jisung in an evaluating manner, leaned into Minho and whispered mockingly,” Oh hyung, Jisung looks delicious tonight, don’t you think? Be careful.” Minho looked back at him, slightly horrified, trying to interpret the rather ambiguous statement. It would stay on his mind for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I had to google drinking game rules, because I'm so bad at them. I just play them without knowing anything lol. Well, in my defense, I have bad memory when I'm drunk :D (drink responsibly, kids)  
Also, go listen to Sunmi's new song "Lalalay". It's so good and the mv is kinda crazy, which makes everything better honestly


	4. Everyone is coming in flocks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Compared to the previous chapters this is intense :D I hope you enjoy! Quick reminder that ateez is amazing and seonghwa is a sweetheart, I just cast him as the "villain" because he can look very intimidating ahaha... anyways, I would say I'm sorry for the late update, but there is no hope for me updating more frequently, because uni started and I am stressed lol   
song recommendation for the last two thirds of this chapter is: Lim Changjung - The love i committed

Standing in the hallway, the group of friends was stunned by the amount of people that had already found their way to the party. Half of them – Woojin, Chan, Seungmin, and Changbin - decided to exploit whatever fancy liquor San's parents had left in their house first, and consequently ended up in the kitchen. The other four went ahead to the dance floor or what would usually be the living room. Jisung took Minho's hand to navigate both of them deeper into the mass of people. They had already lost Hyunjin and Felix, because of all the bustle, but that was to be expected. The air was stuffy and it had become oddly humid through the perspiration of the intoxicated bodies that were dancing around them. Communication was hardly possible; the music was booming through the speakers, so that they could feel the faint vibrations of the bass run through their bodies. Jisung turned around, having decided on the right spot to dance, and grinned excitedly at the older. Both of them loved dancing and even though they had practiced earlier, they were still able to generate some energy through what they loved most; music. Minho was able to enjoy a few songs, just dancing, subtly communicating with the other through lingering touches and movement. Like they were used to. A few songs until he caught sight of a pair of familiar sharp eyes, partially covered by black hair. They locked eyes with each other. Jisung still blissfully unaware noticed him focusing on something distant, but before he could recognize the approaching figure, Minho had grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him out of the room. Jisung, even though he was pouting, was just a bit too drunk to care where Minho dragged him. It was Minho after all, he would make the right choice.

Minho was planning on finding their friends in the kitchen, that seemed to be reasonable enough. It was the only place he would have a solid reason to take Jisung. He could just say that he wanted to check up on the others. Otherwise he would need to explain himself. However, at this point Jisung wouldn’t be able to comprehend just why the other so desperately wanted to get away from this one specific person. All efforts in vain, said person was now right behind them and called out Minho's name. The two friends stopped in their tracks. Jisung, because he recognized the enticing voice as the one of his current love interest and Minho, because he had no hope for escape. So, Minho turned around and positioned himself slightly in front of a perplexed Jisung, who whispered cautiously,” hyung, why is he calling for you? Do you know each other?”

Minho's thoughts went a mile a minute, trying to decide what kind of strategy to use. If he antagonized Seonghwa, Jisung might be mad at him. If he didn’t then Jisung would need to witness Seonghwa’s advances, which would disappoint him just as much. Either way, he would lose something tonight. He decided to go with his gut feeling and his gut told him to spit on that guy. Figuratively.

“No, I don’t know him,” Minho exclaimed sharply, not only as response to Jisung, but also as a warning to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa scoffed, unimpressed with the rejection. “Oh, why would you say that? You know, I really tried my best last time to get to know you,” he retorted with a sinister smirk that made his intention crystal clear.

“And I really tried not to,” Minho countered with a stony expression on his face.

“Come on, you are just playing hard to get now. We both know, we could have a lot of fun together.”

Jisung, grabbing at Minho's shirt, murmured for him to hear, while still keeping an eye on the intruder, “hyung,” he then looked up at the older, confused, “What is going on?”

A look of realization made its way onto Seonghwa's face. He huffed, “Are you guys kidding me? You’re rejecting me because you’ve got yourself a boyfriend? And it’s him? You could’ve done better.” Seonghwa jerked his chin in Jisung's direction in a condescending manner.

Minho was dumbfounded. First of all, he wasn’t aware of the impression the Jisung and Minho gave off to others. Second of all, he couldn’t comprehend, how anyone could think of Jisung as anything less than perfect.

“What?” Minho thought he might have heard that wrong.

“You could’ve done better. You could have had me, but instead I’m seeing you with this blue-haired freak,” Seonghwa clarified, unnerved by Minho's slow reaction.

Now Minho's brain was catching up. A blue-haired freak? - He had indeed just insulted Jisung. Minho was enraged. Jisung usually took insults pretty well, but Seonghwa was still his crush. So, Minho felt how that must have hurt the other and it made him even more mad. Seonghwa just broke Jisung's heart. Just like that, without any regard. He didn’t even do it to his face. Seonghwa acted like Jisung was merely physically present. Like he wasn’t worth paying attention to at all. He insulted him, while looking at Minho. Not checking for Jisung's reaction, because he was just that disinterested in him. That was it. Minho lost it. He moved forward quickly and, just like that, threw a punch at Seonghwa. His fist connected with the other’s cheekbone. The impact made Seonghwa stumble backwards, but he regained his composure quickly and was now glaring at Minho, holding the side of his face, which was sure to be decorated with a bruise the next morning. Minho was disturbed by his own actions, standing frozen between Seonghwa and Jisung. In hindsight, he might have overreacted, but hurt feelings and alcohol is a dangerous mix. If Seonghwa would have wanted to hit back, he could do so easily. Minho wouldn’t defend himself right now. Conflicted between wanting to defend Jisung and regretting his actions, it took him a while to process what had happened. Seonghwa was scary when angry. His cold gaze bore into Minho, fiery and mighty. It gave Minho the impression that the other was having mercy on him, like he could ruin him in an instant, but chose not to because he had other vicious intentions. Minho might have been imagining things, but he could swear he saw an inkling of a smirk on the other’s lips. Cold washed over him, and Minho's flight instinct took over. He gripped Jisung's wrist and stormed with him through the hallway, out of the house and onto the veranda.

As they stepped outside, the cold air hit them, creating a stark contrast to how heated Minho felt. Jisung seemed to be insensible right now, too busy processing the incident. Minho made Jisung sit down on the steps and crouched down in front of him, studying the younger’s expression.

“Jisung, I am so sorry,” Minho took his hand in his and tried to establish eye contact. Jisung, however, just stared down at their hands. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” His voice was unsteady and sounded pained.

Minho gently moved his hands up to Jisung's face and gently lifted his chin to look at him. He saw a teardrop rolling from the corner of his eye down his cheek and another one threatening to do the same. The look in Jisung's eyes tore his heart apart. The younger, suddenly looking ashamed, moved his head back and out of Minho's light grasp.

“Hey, it’s okay. Come here.” Minho sat down next to the blue-haired and cautiously wrapped his arms around Jisung's small frame, who then hesitantly leaned into his side.

A few minutes passed with Minho just holding Jisung and rubbing small, soothing circles onto his arm. Finally, Jisung stirred in his embrace and mumbled, “I don’t know how I am supposed to feel, hyung. Can we go home? Please, take me home.”

Minho quickly complied,” Of course, let me just text the other’s that we are leaving early and then we’ll leave.”

Said and done, Minho texted their friends that the two were already leaving, so that they wouldn’t search for them later on. He then guided Jisung, one arm slung around his shoulders, back to the younger's flat.

***

On their way to the kitchen, they had already lost Changbin in the crowd. He had met a friend and decided to catch up with him first. So, Woojin was currently preparing some drinks only for the three of them. Even though Seungmin demanded his drink to be at least 60% alcohol, Woojin mixed the expensive rum with at least 70% of coke. His friend was too drunk to notice anyways and the older felt the need to save this poor kid from himself. As he was busy with the drinks, he vaguely noticed that an old friend of theirs joined their little group. It was Jimin, Woojin knew her from singing classes. She recently came back from a year of studying abroad in Thailand. All three of them were good friends with Jimin before, but didn’t manage to keep in touch. So, they quickly engaged in an animated discussion about their studies and the differences compared to Thai universities.

Chan was delighted to meet Jimin again, they got along well. Jimin was an easy person to talk to and also very funny. Right now, she rambled about her difficulties with the Thai weather after discussing international schools with Seungmin. During the conversation, Chan noticed just how little he knew about his former friend. Every once in a while, Jimin made references to some inside jokes or experiences they had shared in the past. It took a Chan a minute to recall them himself and sometimes he wasn’t able to remember at all. Distracted by his observation, he started sipping on his drink. He felt like he couldn’t relate to the person that Jimin knew anymore. It had only been a year, but so much had happened it felt like an eternity. Chan must have changed a lot. Or perhaps, was he not himself anymore, or was he not himself before? Chan was only sure, that these days the world seemed to be different every day and so was he. It frustrated him, having lost the connection with a friend. It made him think of what would happen to their friend group. Woojin and him would graduate this year, would they manage to keep in touch? And if they would meet up again, after starting their jobs, would they still be same? Maybe it would be the same situation. They could become strangers to each other and break apart. Chan chugged down his drink. His stomach churned, but not because of the alcohol. He felt restless and unsettled. After he had spaced out for quite a while, he felt oddly displaced, like he didn’t return to his body properly. On the verge of dissociating, he decided to leave for a quiet place.

“Sorry guys, I’ll be right back,” Chan excused himself hastily with an unfocused look on his face.

Woojin had kept an eye on him during the conversation. He had noticed that Chan was a bit out of it. Suspecting that his friend couldn’t handle his alcohol, he excused himself as well and went after him. Somehow, they had found their way into on unoccupied room, which appeared to be a guest bedroom. The room contained, besides the basic bedroom furniture, a small sofa. Chan sat down and Woojin followed suit.

Chan had wanted to be alone to sort out his feelings, but he didn’t mind Woojin being there with him. Woojin must be in the same situation anyway; he might understand him – with this in mind he decided to confide in his best friend. Chan still felt out of place, but maybe expressing his thoughts would bring him clarity.

“Are you not feeling well? Is it the alcohol? I’ll get you a glass of water,” Woojin asked thoughtfully and with the conclusion that it must be the alcohol, he was about to get up and get some water. However, Chan quickly held onto his hand to make him stay. Woojin looked at him inquisitively and in surprise. Chan's hands were a bit clammy, but Woojin took them in his anyways.

“No, it’s not that,” Chan clarified, his gaze focused on something in the distance. Woojin noticed his strange look. Even though his eyes seemed to focus, whatever they had fixated was not in the room. He looked like he was day dreaming, but a lot more strained and searching.

“Don’t you think time flies to fast these days?”

A bit taken aback, he contemplated his answer and simultaneously wondered why Chan was thinking about such a thing at a party of all places, “Well, I guess. We are just so busy, we don’t have time to appreciate every hour of the day. So, sometimes time passes quickly, yeah.”

“I just feel like everything is changing. Even things, that you thought would stay the same before, are suddenly different. I would like to say that things are developing. We are developing. But that sounds positive and I don’t know if these changes are positive," he paused for a few seconds, taking a deep breath," Don’t you feel like we have changed so much in these three years of university? I remember us two struggling at the beginning and now these struggles seem like a mere nuisance. We became tougher but also somewhat insensitive. If you look back, how much of the person you were at the start do you recognize today as yourself, Woo?”

Woojin was surprised; the other’s mind must have been spiraling until it became unbearable during their conversation. He had noticed that Chan was often lost in his thoughts recently. However, it had never been to the point of him looking that distraught.

With a comforting smile Woojin answered truthfully, “I don’t know about myself. I just hope I have changed for the better. I think you’ve been doing great though. I still remember how lost you were the first week of university, it was so cute. When I look at you now, I still see the Chan that I’ve known for years now. I still see you, kind, caring and passionate about music. I’m changing with you, so it’s difficult to tell, but if anything, you became more focused on your future. I think these days it’s your concern for what’s about to come that might give you the impression that you don’t know yourself anymore. But believe me when I say that people can still see the Chan that you are deep inside. Just keep these characteristics for you. Circumstances change all the time, so just do your best at keeping what’s most valuable to you.”

“Hmm,” lightly nodding Chan let himself sink into Woojin's arms and they easily molded together. Chan sighed.” How come you always give the best advice, while I always fall into despair. You aren’t even that much older than me, it’s annoying,” he whined with a hint playfulness. It was astounding how easily Woojin was able to calm him down.

Woojin needed to giggle at that,” Don’t be like that, you are doing just fine too. And you know that we’re in this together. I guess I am ruminating about these topics just as much. I’m probably just citing some deep TV shows without noticing when I give advice.”

“You know, it’s just …,” Chan made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat,” I just had these thoughts, because meeting Jimin again made me realize that relationships can change quickly too. Jimin was gone for only a year, but I already feel like I can’t be the one she remembers anymore and I doubt we can be friends like we were before. I’m scared, Woojin. What if we graduate and our new lives burn us out so quickly that we lose sight of each other?”

Chan felt stupid right after he had voiced his thoughts. Lying in Woojin's embrace, breathing in his familiar scent, he felt like they could stay like this forever. It felt impossible for anything to be able to separate them. Still, in the back of his head, a little devil was trying to convince him otherwise. They have been friends for so long and everything comes to an end at some point, right? Maybe their time is up soon. Trying to banish these thoughts, Chan buried his face deeper in the crook of Woojin's neck.

“Isn’t that all the same, though?”, Chan could feel the vibration of Woojin's throat from where his head rested as the other answered,” People do change, they need to. For better or for worse, it happens because everything else changes. It’s okay if some relationships are only temporary, sometimes it can’t be helped. Just be grateful for what these relationships brought into your life and remember them dearly. Again, I think the best you can do, is decide who is really important to you. If you put conscious effort into it, you can maintain relationships no matter what. Keep who’s most valuable to you.”

In his exhausted state and without much thinking Chan mumbled, “I want to keep you then.” Close to Woojin's ear it only took a whisper, “I want you to know that you are incredibly important to me, Woojin.” Chan raised his head just so that he could look the older in the eyes, slightly flustered, but with the sincerity of a tired and tipsy person.

Woojin's eyes were filled with warmth and a heart-achingly sweet smile spread on his lips.

“You are important to me too.”

Hesitantly Woojin leaned in. Chan didn’t move, even though feeling Woojin's tickling breath on his face gave him goosebumps. Woojin leaned in further and with utmost care he placed a soft kiss on Chan's forehead. Chan felt Woojin's soft lips on his skin, the warm touch making him feel treasured and safe. Whatever tension his anxious thoughts had created dissipated quickly, freeing Chan's mind and allowing him to fully focus on Woojin. Chan felt like something was exploding inside his chest. Like meteor showers, leaving him speechless in amazement of witnessing such phenomenon. It spread through his whole body until he was buzzing with admiration for his dearest friend. In this moment he felt so much affection that it made him tear up. He couldn’t do much, but to fall into Woojin's arms again. Holding each other tightly and both eternally grateful for the other’s presence, they remained in this position until they decided to head home.

***

Back at Jisung's apartment, Minho decided it would be best for the younger to go to sleep right away. Jisung didn’t protest and so Minho tugged him into bed.

“Hyung, would you stay with me for bit longer?” Jisung asked in a small voice.

“Of course,” answered Minho and sat on the edge of Jisung's bed. Mindlessly, he started carding his fingers through the younger’s blue hair. It was so soft and the indigo suited him very well. It complemented his wild character, because in a way Jisung reminded him of the sea. Like crashing waves, he was effervescent and his temperament reminded him of the volatile winds rousing the water. Right now, however, his eyes were droopy and his small frame was drowning in his blanket. Calm and breathing steadily, he looked like home to Minho. When he noticed Jisung's eyebrows furrowing though, he was reminded of the unpleasant event that had happened earlier and felt increasingly irritated.

“Hyung, didn’t I just get rejected by my crush?” Jisung breathed out a sarcastic laugh. His eyes looked pained and Minho felt a stabbing sensation in his chest.

“Should I be jealous of you? Should I be jealous because my crush likes my best friend instead of me? Maybe I should, but I don’t feel jealous of you. So, you could just go for it, hyung. No need to hold back, you could have a lot of fun together as he said,” he continued in a monotonous voice.

“Jisung, I made it clear that-“

“You know what’s funny, hyung,” Jisung interrupted him,” If that would happen, I would still be jealous. But I would be jealous of Seonghwa instead, because I realized that I don’t want to share you with anyone. Is that not just so selfish?”

Minho was speechless, just utterly stunned by what he just heard.

Half asleep, Jisung added,” We are best friends but I don’t want you to date anyone. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else making you happier than I ever could. I'm sorry.”

Jisung's breath evened out and Minho knew the other was asleep.

After going home that night, Minho was not able to rest. He was lying awake, staring at his bedroom ceiling. What Jisung told him today brought him hope. Hope that deep inside Jisung would reciprocate his feelings at last. Then again, he reminded himself to be realistic. Jisung had been drunk still when he said those things. Maybe he wouldn’t even remember tomorrow. Still, Jisung said he would be jealous if Minho dated anyone. That seemed to be pretty clear of a statement. And so, Minho's mind started analyzing, overthinking and speculating making sleep impossible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I am not too satisfied with this chapter, but I also had the feeling that it wouldn't get any better... Anyways, I appreciate feedback and comments in general always make my day <3 Have a nice day~
> 
> Btw, I do proofread, but English is not my first language. So, If any native English speaker wants to correct annoying grammar and spelling mistakes, hit me up :D


	5. Is there anything fun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, but you get a deep-dive into Jisung's feelings :D Enjoy!

Jisung was awoken by the sun shining directly into his room and the sunrays hitting his face.With his window facing west, that meant it was late in the afternoon already. He groaned and tried to escape the bright light by shifting in his bed. The movement only added to his suffering though, because it triggered a dull headache. He was hungover and unfortunately now completely awake. Glancing on his phone, that had been charging next to his bed, Jisung checked the time. It was already 6 pm, just like he had suspected. His phone battery was fully charged by now, so he unplugged it. Thinking about it. He couldn’t remember plugging it in in the first place. Not that that should have been a memorable incident in any way, but he still wondered about it. How did he get home and into his bed yesterday night? His head felt heavy and his stomach began to churn. Jisung felt dirty on the inside, not only because of the alcohol that he had consumed last night, but also because he started remembering what had happened. He recalled having fun at the party with Minho and then… meeting Seonghwa. It all came flooding back to him. Seonghwa hitting on Minho, Minho literally hitting Seonghwa in the face and then Jisung and Minho running. The rejection pained him at that moment not as much as he had thought it would, but he sure as hell didn't fell good about it either. Coming to think about it, Jisung's chances with Seonghwa were probably slim to begin with. He considered the other to be way out of his league. If Minho would have heard that thought, he would have scolded Jisung. The younger had the bad habit of comparing his looks to other people. Sometimes when talking about his crushes, he would start calculating his chances and almost always Minho would tell him to quit the nonsense; it’s not a competition and looks aren’t everything anyways. Jisung still thought about it though. It’s easy to talk like Minho did when you are at the top. His best friends didn’t know about these struggles. Jisung could, with 100% certainty, say that Minho was in the top league when it came to looks… and probably everything else. Maybe he could understand Seonghwa. Looking at it from his standpoint, at Jisung and Minho. Jisung himself would have chosen Minho over himself anytime. It wasn’t like he had these options to begin with, but If he had to choose…

Jisung decided to get up and see if he could manage to eat breakfast. Standing in his small kitchen, he decided it would be a good idea to start with coffee first. Even though it was late already, his head felt like caffeine was needed. Or any type of liquid actually, but a steaming cup of coffee seemed comforting in his current state. After pressing start on his coffee machine, Jisung turned to his fridge. Its insides were rather disappointing; some cheese, milk and two lunchboxes with leftovers, which he hadn’t opened in a week and at this point he was sure it would be an unpleasant experience to do so. After examining the contents of his fridge he decided to skip his “breakfast” and just grabbed the milk to put in his coffee. Maybe he could just have a few cups of coffee to fill his stomach and then run on caffeine for the rest of the day. He suspected that he would still go to bed again soon, regardless of his caffeine intake. Jisung poured coffee and milk into his favorite mug and toddled into his living room to plop down on his couch. Upon observing the space, he was once again reminded of last nights party. They hadn’t cleaned up before leaving yesterday and like this his coffee table was still littered with half-empty bottles and bags of snacks, some empty and a few still closed.

For a while he just sat there cross-legged on the couch, sipping at his coffee and observing the state of his living room. His coffee half-way done, Jisung decided to check his phone to see how his friends were doing after the night out. For a split second he regretted his decision, because he was promptly reminded of the scene that happened last night. Minho had sent him two texts. In the message preview on his lock-screen he was able to see what the other had texted him;

[Minho-hyung]: How are you feeling, ji?

[Minho-hyung]: I’m sorry about yesterday.

Jisung locked his phone again; he would reply later. Just the thought of Minho was overwhelming these days. He hadn’t quite figured out why and what was generating these weird feelings. Something was just off. And today it was major. Last nights events made him think and there was something new, something strange somewhere in the back of Jisung's head. It was still just a shadow. He could see it from the corner of his eye, but when he tried to look at it, the scheme would just vanish into the regular. It was nothing outstanding until he had figured out what was different. He was sure that a certain aspect of his being had changed, it was just impossible to say which. Jisung tried to focus on himself. What kind of emotions was he feeling when he relived the recent events in his head once again? It was especially difficult though, since his head was still aching and his thoughts were processed slowly like dripping honey.

In the end, he decided there was no point in wrecking his brain in his hungover state. But, if he couldn’t figure out what his “problem” was, he needed to distract himself because all this was seriously bothering him. So, he looked if there was anything fun to take his mind off the confusing situation that he found himself to be in. It was Sunday though, his friends were just as knocked-out as he was and he didn’t really have the energy to do just about anything. He just needed something to free his mind or numb his thoughts. Jisung scanned the room once again. He wanted to numb his thoughts, huh? As his gaze wandered and got caught on the leftover alcohol in the bottles from yesterday, he knew he was about to make a regrettable decision. Maybe, if he drank just a little alcohol again, he could not only numb his thoughts but also ease his hangover. After all, weren’t you supposed to be able to get rid of a hangover by continuing the drinking? Tentatively, he grabbed a bottle with some flavored vodka, or at least that is what he suspected it to be. Turning the bottle around in his hands, he contemplated if drinking again would make any sense. Well, of course it doesn’t, but it seemed to be the only thing to do that would free him of the tension that he was experiencing.

Jisung uncapped the bottle and took a swig of the clear liquid. It burned in his throat and brought warmth to his insides. If his stomach felt funny because of nervousness and confusion before, then it was now the alcohol. However, at that moment Jisung felt even worse, because there wasn’t enough alcohol in his system yet to overshadow the anxiety and so he was left utterly unsettled. The only way to make that feeling go away was to keep on drinking and so he chugged down most of the alcohol that had been left in the bottle until he felt a bit dizzy. Jisung had to lie down on the sofa, because the room started spinning in front of his eyes. Now, looking at the ceiling, he was feeling as if he was lying on a ship while the sea was raging on around him. Sometimes a wave of memories would wash over him: Of him dancing with Minho, Seonghwa looking at Minho, Minho punching Seonghwa, Minho grabbing Jisung's hand and them running. The same memories, just like earlier. However, there was another wave crashing into him; Minho tending to him with those warm eyes while Jisung had been on the verge of falling asleep.

Jisung noticed how his eyes were starting to get wet. All of this was so frustrating. He didn’t know what to think. He only knew that suddenly he experienced a rush of anger. Anger directed at Seonghwa. Wasn’t he the cause of this emotional turmoil? He broke Jisung's heart, didn’t he? But Jisung usually didn’t feel so strongly and confused about getting rejected by his crushes. No, there was another thing bothering him. He remembered now; he had felt jealousy running through his veins. Jealousy, because Seonghwa had shown interest in Minho and he had felt uncharacteristically territorial about his best friend. Was it because Seonghwa could affect their friendship? Because he could _harm_ their friendship? Just thinking about this possibility send another rush of anger through Jisung. Caught up in this irrationality, he grabbed his phone again and opened his contact list. He actually had Seonghwa's number saved, he had gotten it from a friend of a friend, shortly after he began crushing on the boy in question. Even though he had the contact available the whole time, he didn’t want to initiate anything. For Jisung it was part of having a crush to admire from afar and day-dream. With determination, caused by alcohol and anger, he opened a new chat with Seonghwa.

[J.Han] It’s Han Jisung. Stay away from my best friend.

[J.Han] I won’t let you interfere.

Jisung was breathing audibly, still staring at the display of his phone. Soon enough, the symbol indicating that the other was typing a reply were appearing. Jisung got a little startled as the notification bell rang through the room. His anger was already starting to change into regret as he realized how impulsive his actions had been. Drunk texting was never a good idea. He didn’t think this true.

[Potential-LOML] Oh, that is unexpected. I don’t know I had given you my number

Jisung could practically hear the snark through the other's texts.

[Potential-LOML] Well, anyways, you don’t need to worry

[Potential-LOML] You are no competition for me. Why would you even begin to think that M would want to be more than friends with you? You have nothing to offer.

Jisung was boring holes into the device with his stare, processing the words and trying to grasp their meaning. Seemingly, the two of them were talking past each other. Jisung wanted to protect his friendship, while Seonghwa was referring to love interests. However, Jisung did not text him so that they could officially be rivals and start competing for Minho's love. Still, to Seonghwa it must have appeared to be the case. Was that the expression that Jisung gave off to others regarding his best friend? Did people think that they were a thing? Or at least that Jisung wished to be not only a friend but a boyfriend to Minho? That thought, weirdly enough, felt plausible. Jisung was indeed surprised by the others assumption, but if he thought about it, it did make sense. Thinking of them as boyfriends didn’t seem wrong at all. Only the realization was immensely confusing. Holding hands appeared natural to him. Hugging each other was a regular occurrence. Kissing each other… something that he would like to experience. Calling Minho his one and only … he suddenly longed to do.

And like this Jisung slowly and then all at once realized that he was in love with Minho.

However, gazing at his phone once more, Jisung was faced with what he believed to be quite true; he had nothing to offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now they can both be oblivious while having a 100% chance of reciprocation and not taking it :D sorry, look forward to some sappy stuff in the future lol  
Btw, how are you coping with the October comebacks? I mean Ateez' wonderland is amazing!! And obv double knot!!! I love the choreography! I feel like it's especially good for motivation when you have like five deadlines in two days lmao


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